Words Cannot Describe the Carnage.

I've been hearing a lot lately about a certain "celebrity" (not even going to use the word "chef" here because I just cannot bring myself to do it) and her Kwanzaa cake.  I read an article about it on Huffington Post which has since been removed (alright Cuomo, stop throwing your weight around!  I found it here anyway because you can't censor those Europeans) and I saw an interview with Anthony Bourdain in which he challenged me to watch the YouTube video...

So I did.

And it was terrifying.

Anthony advised that my head would explode or my eyeballs would burst into flames.  The physical reactions were actually much less severe, but I honestly had alternating bouts of chills and gagging, followed by the arrival of tears to my eyes and finally, thankfully, the relief of some hysterical laughing.

But really, the chills were the dominant reaction.

Let me just say that the description, ON THE FOOD NETWORK PAGE says, "Semi-Homemade makes a most amazingly beautiful cake for Kwanza [sic]."

What?!?

It's hard for me to type with all the shaking going on right now.

I can't tell which part of my consciousness is most offended; the humanist, the foodie or the written-language-enthusiast.  There is nothing "most amazingly beautiful" about this cake.  Northern lights, amazingly beautiful.  The Caucasus mountains, amazingly beautiful.  Sistine Chapel, also amazingly beautiful.  This cake is, well... it's this:

Please, watch the video though.  But be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.  If you need to distract yourself from the carnage, perhaps you could just try to count the number of times she uses ridiculous descriptors like "amazing" or "nice" or "incredible" or "wonderful" or "delicious" or... "amazing."

And did anyone ever teach this woman how to stir items in a mixing bowl or use a teaspoon measure?!  I had to look away.

And the "acorns"...  Oy vey.  It's a train wreck.  I'm just hoping the images do not haunt me in my dreams tonight...